I'm Just Sayin'

A friend (in life and on Facebook) posted that she is going to take up running to honor her late mother by participating in Disney's Tinkerbell Half Marathon. Since I myself took up running a few short months ago, and like my friend, I carry around more than my share of womanly wonderfulness, I thought she might benefit from my recent experience.

So, here are my tips for big girls on the go. Some are serious and some are less serious. I hope you can tell the difference.

1. Understand that you are going to sweat. A lot. And smell bad. And your mascara is going to run, even if you buy the most expensive waterproof stuff.

2. If you insist on trying to look cute when you run, go ahead and get some special outfits, in colors that don't clash with red, because your face is going to turn beet red with exertion. Don't forget matching hair scrunchies.

3. Get some Pat Benatar music on your iTunes. She's very empowering. I recommend "Invincible."

4. Buy the best shoes you can afford, but realize that you are going to have to replace them frequently. They are going to take a beating.

5. Invest in some reusable ice packs. I need them for bad knees. You will probably need them for those dainty little ankles of yours. And some Alleve. And muscle soak crystals for the bath.

6. Start out on a soft, level surface, like a track. It's much easier on the joints, which are already working harder than they want to. Eventually you can transition to street running if you are not paranoid about motorists wisecracking about your ass ...

7. Wear some big shades. So even if motorists are making fun of your ass, they won't know it's you.

8. Start with walking, then add short bursts of running. I think it actually is pretty effective for calorie burning and metabolism boosting. Gradually increase your running bursts and your total distance.

9. You might be tempted to run with a buddy. I don't recommend it. You will want to chat and gossip with your pal, and you just can't do that and run. Not yet anyway. Trust me. Ask my friend Stacy about the Children's Miracle Network 5K... We caught up with our lives, but not with the runners ahead of us ...

10. Stretch, stretch, stretch...and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. By the way, wine is not particularly effective for hydration. Voice of experience.

11. On your off days, try some leg-strengthening exercises like leg presses, squats and lunges. It will help keep your muscles loose and support your joints.

That's enough to get you started, my friend. See ya on the roads, but don't you dare talk smack about my ass ...